What exactly is the deal with the packaging of toys, food and electronics these days?
Ever try to open a child’s toy? It’s either bionic plastic that simply no mere mortal can break through or the new adventure is 38 industrial strength twist ties securing literally every inch of the toy to the package.
It’s a total conspiracy, but at least it’s obvious. One look at these packaging fortresses and you know it’s going to be a cage fight. So, you prepare and arm yourself with an exacto knife or razor sharp wire snips. You know what you are in store for.
But my nemesis is much more subtle. They run a brilliant covert ops strategy. They are sneaky. They go along their business without drawing any attention to them. They draw you in.
Blue corn chips.
I generally buy the ones from Garden of Eatin…they are great. But dammit if I don’t have the same 1 on 1 gladiator match every time I try to open them. It’s the same thing every time. I know it’s going to be a battle.
I mentally prepare and plot my strategy. Do I go in from the middle like I normally do with a full frontal attack, pulling right at the seam wishing, hoping and dreaming for perfect center splitage?
Do I change up and try to come in from the side, hoping I can flank them?
Do I pull? Rip? Tear? Do I try the daring air-pop?
Seriously, General Patton would be proud…well, almost.
It’s borderline insanity because the standoff always results the same way.
The fricken bag always wins…always.
It will generally just split down a non-seam rendering the bag useless for future corn chip freshness. Chips fly, I yell explicatives at the great conspiracy over corn chip packaging, damning what I know to exist – a little room somewhere with a bunch of packaging department warped dwarfs laughing their asses off that people all over the world like me are having this experience. Cmon, you know it exists.
Sometimes I stop just before this happens and lower my head because I have been defeated and I get a knife or scissor from the drawer. I don’t exactly know why this feels like I have been beaten…but it does.
My ego is bruised.
And I am not exactly sure why I just don’t get a knife from the get-go. I suppose there is this small part of me that wants redemption over those fucking dwarfs and I think to myself every time I go to open a bag…”This time, I will be victorious!”
Alas, I am not and it sucks.
So, Mr. or Mrs. Garden of Eatin Executives…what gives? I challenge the fact that your creative team can come up with a great brand name like Garden of Eatin but you can’t design a fricken bag that opens with any glimmer of normalcy.
They have to know, right? I just don’t buy it that they are clueless to this experience. It literally happens every time. Surely they have taste-tested their own product. Someone has to have told them.
Seriously, Eatins, why are you so mad at us? Did you get picked on a lot as a kid? Mommy or Daddy issues?
Well, join the fricken club.
We buy your products. We eat them. We love them with salsa and humus. But for the love of God and all things holy, give us a bag rippin break.
As for me, I am off to the store, I suddenly have a craving for blue corn chips…I may not even eat them, but this time, I am kicking that bag’s ass.